A Day in the Life of Danu’s Right-Hand Man – Sir Edward

1) Woke up in the morning and decided to do something heroic.

2) Entered the nearest lair to my home village and butchered some of those ugly blue trolls.

2) Moved West and made mud pies out of some Mudmen.

Gets your roots off me, you creepy bugger – I’m not that kind of knight!

3) Strove South and killed a few more trolls heads for my mantelpiece.

4) Cleared out a few more of those bastard Troggs from the Misty Moors.

5) And some more…

6) Those Trogg war beasts in the Wetlands weren’t very friendly! So I slaughtered them…

7) Had a rummage in my robes to see what I’d collected so far. I’d found 2 Valley Keys, a crappy sword and some rusty armour, a potion of healing, 2 Scrolls of Acquisition, 2 Scrolls of Protection, a Scroll of the Hawk and 7 daggers.

STR : 2

CON : 2

END : 1

Pretty good going so far!

8) Took a jaunt up to Highwood. What a charming place it is! I won a pile of gold in the Tavern and blew it all on a Sword of Sharpness (what luck to find it so early in the High Temple!), some plate mail, a Ring of Protection and 2 Talismans of the Wyrm. Well, I don’t want that beastly creature bothering me just yet, do I?

For sale: Top floor apartment. Lovely views, en-suite bathroom…

9) Cleaned out a nasty lair just south of Highwood. Those fiendishly clever Troggs have begun attacking in pairs!

10) Ambushed by one of those damnable Black Knights! Whipped his sorry backside and swiped a potion of healing. Not that I needed it, ’cause he was an utter wimp.

11) Encountered and vanquished some spear-wielding Troggs to the East.

12) Attacked by another Black Knight. He’s soon history and I’m 16 gold pieces better off. Bah – it was hardly worth it the bother.

13) Headed into the Eastern Wastelands and callously slaughtered a whole host of those monstrous Baloks. To add to my disgust their revolting lair was empty of any spoils!

14) Paid a visit to that weird hermit Math. He didn’t reveal any of his rumoured magical powers, but was kind enough to chuck down a pouch containing 25 gold pieces. That tower was so high Math’s “gift” could have bloody killed me! Oh well, mustn’t grumble…

15) Killed the same Black Knight twice in a row. Don’t they *ever* learn?

16) Finally encountered the Dragon! St. George himself couldn’t have fought with any more gusto, and when the foul beast was finally felled I helped myself to 62 gold pieces, a Ring of Protection, a potion of healing ,2 Gems of Seeing, 2 Scrolls of Acquisition and 2 Scrolls of Protection. Jackpot! I’ve also placed an order for a fine red leather jacket as a memento… Soon all the maidens will be after lucky old moi.

The bigger they, the harder they fall. Oh yeah.

17) Whipped another of those foolish Black Knights. Those poor fellows truly are lambs to the slaughter. Hall of Purity? Hall of Retards more like!

18) Moved East and cleaved some Balok skulls. That took some doing, I can tell you.

19) Used both of my Gems of Seeing but failed to locate any keys. Drat!

20) Nipped South and had a Battle Royale with a bunch of those ugly hammer Troggs. Thought the blood would never stop flowing! Recovered a potion of Healing, another Gem of Seeing and 12 gold pieces for my efforts. Unfortunately, my coffers were overflowing so I had to leave the filthy lucre behind. A spot of gambling beckons methinks.

21) Necked healing potion and wasted another Gem of Seeing. Still no key!

22) Returned to the Misty Moors for a crack at some more Mudmen. Killed a few in no time, got overconfident and was dragged into the depths. I don’t remember much after that, but somehow I’m still alive…

23) Gobbled down another potion of healing to increase my life force.

24) Went back and sorted those Mud beasties out for good. A Talisman of the Wyrm turned up, but the Dragon is already dead so I don’t really need it.

25) Mucked around in Waterdeep and paid a visit to my mate Mythral. Unfortunately, his powers were weak and he couldn’t be of any help.

Not a man you’d want to mess with. Girly duds though.

26) Another Black Knight is history thanks to my legendary skills, and I’m one Scroll of the Hawk better off.

27) I used my newly acquired Scroll of the Hawk to travel to the South-most lair in the Great Forest. Took a whole tribe of Ratmen to pieces (literally) and got my hands on a Gem of Seeing and a replacement Scroll of the Hawk. Lovely jubbly.

28) Tried my luck with this new Gem of Seeing, but I still can’t seem to locate another Valley Key!

29) Travelled North-west of Stonehenge, killed some Troggs and swiped some gold. I also finally found a key! About bloody time…

30) Picked on some more unfortunate Ratmen to the North-east. Yet more gold for the swollen coffers.

31) Took stock of my present situation, and – frankly – I’m well chuffed. I’ve got 3 strength and a constitution of 4, although I’m an unfit bastard with an endurance rating of only 1. I’ve 3 Valley Keys (only one more to find!), a Sword of Sharpness and some plate mail and a whole host of other scrolls and talismans. 2 Rings of Protection rounds it all off rather nicely.

32) Travelled North and beat up some more Trogg war beasts. More gold!

33) Raided a lair to the North-east, where I had my arse handed to me by a legion of Spear-wielding Troggs. Died, but went back next turn to finish the job and got some sweet revenge!

34) Nailed some Mudmen in the Misty Moors. Nothing found.

35) Nipped North to the Wastelands and found my final key after butchering a truck-load of Troggs.

36) Decided to visit Math again since his tower was only a short stroll away. Received a crappy Scroll of Haste. “I’m invincible – who on earth do I need to run away from?” I called up. “Piss off or I’ll turn you into a toad you ungrateful git!” echoed the rather rude reply.

Hope that tower of his has an elevator…

37) Decided to use my Scroll of Haste after all and popped down to Stonehenge to restore some much-needed lives. Feeling fantastic, I entered the Valley of the Gods and came face to face with an ethereal Medusa-like guardian with a whirlwind for legs! Great rack on her though, I’ll give her that. Finally overcame the busty wench and got my hands on a full moonstone!

38) Restored my lives to full whack at Stonehenge, Handy place, that. Lovely masonry as well.

39) It’s a full moon, so I should head back to Stonehenge and finish this quest. Had a bit of fun though first with the final Black Knight. I beat him into the ground then dangled my moonstone in front of his gory visage. The loser wept with frustration before I lopped off his bonce.

40) It’s all over and I am a God! I watch down on the mortal world from among the stars, sitting at Danu’s right hand. Not a bad months, work, all in all. My stats at the end of the quest were amazing – I had 4 strength, a constitution of 6, constitution of 1, 96 pieces of gold, 3 lives left, a full complement of daggers, tip-top armour and sword, more rings, scrolls and medallions that I could count and 140 hit points. What a guy…

Talk about buying a stairway to heaven!